Neo Faucet Coffee
From the moment I began drinking coffee in Austin, TX, I was suspicious. This stuff tasted "off", but not as bad as instant coffee. My first cup came from the continental breakfast room at the (not-so-) Super 8. You push a button, the machine makes a pumping sound, and hot coffee flows into your cup. No pot, no grounds. If you watch closely at the end of the stream, you might see a brown viscous swirl. This is coffee's equivalent to the soda fountain.
I was comfortable with the idea, confined as it was to cheap motels. Then, jones-ing for caffeine, I stopped into a Fudruckers. They share a parking lot with my new digs, and I did not want to sprint across highway 35 to find a cup. No, they can't sell me brewed coffee, because their machine is not working. No, they can't sell me a pound of ground coffee, because they use a concentrated liquid.
Did I fall asleep for twenty years, to discover that fresh brewed coffee was extinct? Or am I just a spoiled Seattle java junkie? My people, from Illinois, drink Folgers crystals, or, as I call it, "faucet coffee." I used to try and keep some instant around, in case I ran out. It did not work. My stomach rejects faucet coffee, responding with an all-morning acid bite. I've tried haranguing, subsidizing with gifts (coffeemakers! pounds of ground!), to no avail.
Imagine my surprise when a famous and sophisticated city such as Austin seemed to have adopted the latest version of faucet coffee! Could it be that others are adopting this technology? Achh! A Google search produces several brands of coffee concentrate machines! I'd sooner switch to a caffeine patch.
Restaurateurs, be apprised: here is what happens to those who tamper with my coffee: Chris Farley is served instant coffee.